I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
That 👊
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Writing, She Murdered.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
These 3D printers are insane!
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo