I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
it is time once again
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
translated into Canadian
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
You better watch out
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me