What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
True.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?