Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Where’s my employee discount too?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
first you must answer his riddles
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus