New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.