It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
your honor my client chooses dare
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Noah was an idiot.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”