my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
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Every work call, he judges.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.