Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
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ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!