[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.