Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
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Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”