Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Breaking news:
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.