I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.