I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
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met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my