[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
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My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Baller is short for ballerina
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking