my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*