PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.