What a kind woman! 😂😂
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.