My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma