If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Breaking news:
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop