Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either