If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
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Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West