Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
LMAO.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
how do y’all walk in shallow water
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.