If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.