Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

Every time my phone rings

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]