*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.