Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My typo game is string.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!