[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Investing in beetcoin
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
vegan witches, happy halloween!
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.