“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
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The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.