[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Happy Thanksgiving
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.