when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
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Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.