My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
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The sacred texts.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
same vibe as tangled headphones
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
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