funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there