PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
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date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!