any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Attacked by a mop.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.