When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
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Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.