When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
WTF IS THAT!
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Well. That’s not a good sign.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey