10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
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Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.