I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
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It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.