Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Super Hand Dog Face
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.