[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
You Might Also Like
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.