doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
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Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds