dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
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Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it