Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
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judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
LOL
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Brother?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.