Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.