4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Can’t stop laughing
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.