Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
This raises questions
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian