Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
You Might Also Like
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.