Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
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Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*names my little horse OneTrick*
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.