[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Optional boss fight.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”