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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Potatoes were such a good idea
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.